*!#$@%&*

December 5, 2007 at 10:19 am 2 comments

There’s nothing like a little drama/work politics to shake up your inner apathy. I’m starting to see that when your really not feeling much about anything either way, that perhaps we should embrace the lack of excitement going on instead of thinking something must be wrong because you have nothing to exclaim or complain about. I’m not sure that made any sense, but it made sense to me, so whateva.

I got pulled into the assistant directors office this morning and told what a great job I was doing and that I was “revolutionizing” the program and have really made an impact on the residential program…blah blah blah…it was all fucking smoke up my ass. Pardon my french, but it’s what it was. I know this because all those compliments were followed by, “and frankly Glenda we NEED you somewhere else” – namely our Non-Secure Detention Building. It’s where juveniles go while they wait to go to court because they are considered a risk of missing the scheduled court date. I’ve worked there from time to time before I got my full time position and I’ve never liked it. They have twice the amount of kids, and half of them are loco and will soon be sent to a secure facility because of it. It’s 100 times more stressful than were I’m at, and about 10 times the work. Bottom line, I DO NOT want to move over there. So the assistant director asks me my feelings on the matter, and I was upfront with the fact that I really don’t want too, but she just kept blowing the smoke up my ass…and wanted to know why, and then really didn’t let me answer cause she wouldn’t shut her goddamn mouth. Then she threw out the bottom-line ever so quickly that no position is guaranteed and they can move me to meet the “needs of the program” if needed. Basically making me feel like I have a choice and then sneaking it in there that when push comes to shove I don’t.

This is where being a quiet/reserved person doesn’t help anything. People assume your a push-over because your not always complaining, or maybe they think you aren’t quick enough to see the fucking pony show going on in front of you…I really have no idea…but I know they tend to underestimate whats going on under the surface. You can find out a lot by shutting your mouth and observing situations and people..you might think you can pull a fast one on me, but trust me, I know what the fuck is going down.

I like my job right now, and there’s not much to complain about…I like the kids I work with for the most part, I like the staff, I like how stress free it usually is…there isn’t much to NOT like. I don’t want to go anywhere but while listening to her ramble I just felt trapped like I really had no choice. In the end I told her that “I’d do it” but wouldn’t like it. She encouraged me by telling me it was probably just a matter of getting used to the program, and I would grow to like it. She did tell me to think on it today and come talk to her tomorrow morning about it. I left her office with tears in my goddmamn pathetic eyes because I was so frustrated. Not because I was sad or anything but for some stupid ass reason when I get really really torn about things, or just don’t know exactly how to handle a situation all I want to do is cry. Let me re-phrase that…I don’t WANT to cry, it’s like I have no choice. It just takes over me.

So tomorrow I want to go in her office and tell her that if I need to be moved, I will go, but I will also start looking for another job. The fact is, I don’t HAVE to have this job, I can get another one..I might take a pay cut but if it saves my sanity, then so be it. I want to be able to tell her all this and a little more without becoming a complete mess…but I don’t know how in the hell I’m going to. Another draw back of always being the quiet one is once you really let out your feelings……people sit back in awe..they didn’t know you had it in you. It’s embarrassing really.

Anyway..that’s all I have for now. I’m upset, and mad at myself for being who I am. I wish I was that person that everyone knew wouldn’t take any shit, so they don’t dare even ask. I’m not though, I’m too damn nice and accommodating..and all that does for me is open the door to get run the fuck over.

FUCK ME.

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Entry filed under: Apathy, Rants, Venting, work woes.

Anyone Home? The Showdown

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. poody  |  December 6, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    Hoeny just tell them that while you appreciate their faith in you this is not a challenge you are up to at this pioint and thank them for considering you.

  • 2. visage76  |  December 6, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    Hmm. I wish I would have seen this comment before I talked to them this morning! hehe – Na..I doubt if it would have made a difference, but at least it sounds really good 🙂 – I think they would have just have followed up and told me that even though I don’t think I’m “up for the challenge” that I should give it a “try” and see how it works out. Knowing that “try” would have me up there for a long LONG time. Like I keep telling my co-workers..these people should work in Sales…cause I’ll be damned if their not some con-artists that are only looking out to meet THEIR bottom line.

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