Small Steps & Coping

I seriously think I am a little scarred by what happened yesterday..but all in all I’m coping.

What happened is just crazy…I want to share, but I really don’t want to re-live it. Let me suffice to say that not all ads placed online for jobs are from reputable people. I now know this first hand. I was excited about a new prospect to work with a “business” that builds websites and needed an extra hand. I would have been answering calls and helping out with the customer load, and also helping maintain some sites. It sounded awesome to me, because it was a good middle road to learn more, and finally get a reference. I told Andrew all about it, and he was excited too.

Then yesterday I finally got a reply to my inquiry and decided to go head first and hoped to land the job.

I honestly can’t get into it right now because I’d start crying and I’m at work and that wouldn’t be good…there are camera’s and kids who could wake up…but I will soon. Just to get it out and over with. I don’t think I’ve fully processed any of it yet to tell you the truth. It’s just all made me very emotional and sad, and if there was ever a straw..well this would have to be it.

It was a lot of bad judgment calls on my part and a million different clues where I should have stepped back and saw something wasn’t right…yet I trudged on…knowing damn well something wasn’t sitting right. That’s all just made me very angry at myself…I was so close to doing something about it..but I didn’t, so I’m proud of that. I used to “cut” especially when I was going through all the stuff when my adoptive dad died and my mom went crazy. It was the only release that seemed to help. Twisted I know. It was 3 or 4 years ago though, and seems like an eternity…I’ve been really good about anything like that for a while now. Today made me think of it, but only briefly..so like I said, for me..thats an improvement. I was so angry at myself I wanted so badly to hurt myself in some small way, but as soon as that thought came into my head I let it flow out. So if for nothing else, I do pat myself on the back for that.

Just to quell any worries, I didn’t get hurt physically in any way. And it could have been a million times worse than what it was. All in all I got out of it really lucky and I know I need to remember that.

More later today or tomorrow….