April 1, 2008 at 3:55 am 2 comments

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday, which I guess is why she was on my mind most of the day. We went through a lot, some good times, even more bad times, and then the sour ending.

The ending left me speechless actually.

If I could ever choose a time in my life to forget, it would probably be the last year she was alive. I think with my father passing, it really tipped her to a point of no return, and as crazy as she was while I was growing up, she was never quite that crazy or confused until then. She was incoherent to reason and it was beyond frustrating and hard not to resent her for it all. I never had time to deal with my dad passing..I was too damn busy trying to take care of her..trying to be the strong one while she fell apart. I’ll admit it left me bitter, but what I’ve realized this year is that I’ve actually let a lot of that go. This year when her birthday came around I was more inclined to think of good times with her than the bad. There were times where she was an awesome mom,  and I shouldn’t ever forget that.  Plus, worth remembering is with the borderline personality disorder thing, I don’t think she realized the impact it would have on me….then or in the future. It’s certainly made my journey an uphill battle at times, usually with only myself in the way.  Maybe it would be easier to walk through life and just blame her for everything, but I know enough to know that there is always a choice, regardless of the circumstances.

Also as I think back there is one thing I’ve realized that I do resent about being adopted. It doesn’t have anything to do with my biological parents, because I feel that I ended up where I needed to be and it was probably best for us all. The one thing that sucked about it all was being adopted by an older couple. My parents were in their early 40’s when I was adopted, which really isn’t that old, but when you plan on dying when your in your 60’s…it’s pretty damn old. I still resent the fact that I’ve lost my parents way before a lot of people that I know that are in their 50’s . It just doesn’t seem “fair” – but no one ever said life was, right?

Ah well, I think I am a stronger & smarter person for having went through it all so there isn’t a whole lot to complain about.

Plus I’m lucky enough to have my birth father finally get his shit life together so I’m not completely without a parent, and thats something I am truly grateful for.  Not many people are lucky enough to lose a parent and then find another one waiting in the wings..

Anyway…enough with this trip down memory lane.  Kinda been like that all day though.  Rainy days do that to me.


Entry filed under: Memory Lane, Uncategorized.

The Story (it’s long..grab some popcorn) Must. Get. Sleep.

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. smalltownks  |  April 1, 2008 at 6:25 am

    I lost my mom when I was 22 and was very resentful over it for years. As did not have a relationship with my dad growing up so felt like I was all alone when she died. I did get to know my dad a few years before he died but it was for a short time and this too seemed un-fair to me. But like you said life isn’t always fair. We deal with it and go on or lose our way, which I did for awhille but thank God I got a handle on it. You and your family are one of the main perks of getting my act together.

    Love Dad

  • 2. Andrew  |  April 2, 2008 at 9:19 pm

    That was a nice perspective and refreshing to read about someone accepting something in their life instead of sticking with what seems to be a cultural standard and blaming someone else. It is unfortunate that things worked out they way they did but you have to look at one of the positives to the inequity of the parental loss in comparison to most; when your older friends run into the same problems in their own life, you can give them some sage advice and tips on the MEDICARE system! Don’t forget that you have the additional bonus of having such wisdom at such a young age. I write this with a light sense of humor and mean absolutely no disrespect considering the seriousness of the topic, but it is true. One day I will have to face the same monster and I will have a better idea of what is heading in my direction based on my shared experience in the situation.

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